A STAR TREK PARODY – TRUMP MIND MELD  

Humor is the best meditation in the face of fear and in that spirit CoolestMeditationEver.com proudly presents…

OUTTER RIM OF THE GALAXY

warning abort mind meld blank

The USS Enterprise races through the stars past a huge asteroid. We hear the familiar voice of Captain Kirk.

“Captain’s Log, stardate 2264.2. The Enterprise is accelerating to time travel speed on a journey to the eve of World War III. All in the hopes of altering the timeline and averting the loss of billions of human lives.”

We join Kirk in his cabin, feet propped up on his desk, dictating to the ship’s computer.

“What the outcome of such a drastic timeline shift for our own time, the 23rd Century, is anyone’s  –”

A knock on the cabin door stops Kirk’s log dictation. Annoyed, he says, “Enter.”

A troubled Spock steps through the pneumatic doorway. A fidgety Dr. McCoy right behind him.

Before McCoy can speak Kirk cuts him off, “Bones, Spock and I are set for this mission to 21st century America and that’s all there is to it.”

“Damnit, Jim! As ship’s doctor I hereby file my formal complaint you are ignoring grave dangers to Spock’s sanity when he melds with Trump the Mad Dictator.”

“Captain, I assure you I am quite ready for this mind meld,” Spock says.

“Spock, you’re a bigger idiot than Trump if you can’t see the man has to have mind to have a mind meld!”

“Gentlemen, must I call security to escort you back to your quarters?” says Kirk, hiding a smile.

“Captain, the doctor is just being his normal illogical and annoying self,” Spock says.

“Bones, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the… Trump?” say Kirk, making a lame joke no one laughs at.

McCoy throws up his hands in disgust.”Well, if you two very stable geniuses want to roll the dice on Spock’s sanity and the very existence of Star Fleet, who I am to stop you?!” Dr. McCoy spins on his heels and exits Kirk’s cabin in a huff.

MESSY MESS HALL

A short time later in the mess hall Kirk pulls a Big mac and french fries from the food replicator and sits them before Spock.

Spock analyzes the meal with his tricorder. “Most peculiar, Captain.”

“Spare me the niceties. Analysis.”

“The Mac object has nearly zero nutritional value. Worse, it is filled with enough grease substance to clog the ship’s drainage system in sufficient quantity,” says Spock shoving the Big Mac away in disgust.

“Eat, Spock.  If you’re going to mind meld with Trump it will help to eat as he does.”

“Captain, there must be some mistake. I’d have to be insane to eat…”

“Exactly. I swear to you, Spock.  Our archeologists say this was Trump’s daily diet.”

Spock takes a nervous bite of the Big Mac and his eyes go wide in horror. “Is this meat, Captain?”

“Sort of,” says Kirk as he sniffs the Big Mac.

“But I am vegetarian, sir.”

“Well…Try the French fries, Spock.”

Spock shudders, downing a fry whole without chewing. He coughs.

“You look greener than usual, Mr. Spock,” says Kirk, laughing at his own joke.

Spock cracks a rare smile and says, “Permission to vomit, sir.”

Kirk and Spock laugh about Trumps diet

Spock projectile vomits all over Kirk.

“Permission granted?” says Kirk, his face dripping Big Mac and fries.

“Apologies, sir.  This McDonald’s of your past is most toxic.”

“Caught me off guard with your rare smile, Spock.”

“Sorry. On Vulcan a smile can warn of eminent expulsion.”

“More like an ‘explosion’, OK, I’d say this concludes our 21st century dietary experiment,” says Kirk as he wipes vomit from his eyes.

“It’s a wonder your species survived the Big Mac.” says Spock as he helps clean off Kirk.

TIMELINE CLUSTERFUCK

A short time later a cleaned up Kirk is perched in his captain’s chair. The viewing screen on the command deck beeps and boops as the ship buffets through layers of crystalline rainbows.

Kirk spins his command chair to Spock at the science station, “Glad to see you’re not smiling, Mr. Spock. Report.”

Spock, his eyes aglow from his personal view screen. says,”Undoubtedly a convergence point of timelines reaching epic proportions,”

“A clusterfuck of timelines.”

Spock shoots Kirk a dazed look.

“21st century slang, Spock.” says Kirk sipping on his coffee.

“Ah, yes, clusterfuck of timelines. Affirmative, Captain.”

Scotty bellows over the ship’s intercom, causing Kirk to almost spill his coffee, “Timeline turbulence! It be tearin’ our wee ship ta bits, Captain! I canna — ”

“Hold her together, Scotty. Blah, blah, blah,” says Kirk, bored with Scotty’s typical bellyaching.

“Meeting Trump the Mad Dictator already got you off your game, Jim?” teases Dr. McCoy.

At last the battered Enterprise exits a red-colored rip in space and glides into orbit over the USA.

“The Enterprise has successfully entered 21st century earth space, Captain.”

“How can you be so sure, Spock?”

“Confirmation from the Twitter-verse. Trump’s virtual realm,” says Spock.

“Please be more precise, Spock.”

“Picking up news chatter on their primitive newscasts that — ”

“Correction ‘fake news’, Spock.  Speak Trumpese.”

“Duly noted, Captain. The precise time is January 11th 2018 at 11:11 PM Eastern Cluster Fuck time,” says Spock.

“Ah. Three days before Trump’s preemptive nuclear strike on North Korea. Excellent work, Spock. You get a raise,” says Kirk.

Spock reacts in puzzlement, “A raise? To where?”

“A joke, Spock. Um, when we reach Trump you best leave the humor to me,” says Kirk with proud smirk.

“With pleasure, sir.”

Chekov pipes in, “Captain Kirk, vith all due respect, sir.  Vee Vould have much better chance of success approaching the Russian who runs Trump… Putin.”

“We’ve been over the timeline computations a thousand times, Mr. Chekov. Trump has a far more suggestive mind for melding than Putin’s.”

“On that we can agree!” says McCoy.

Sulu palms his forehead, “But, sirs. Historical records report Trump’s acting like a fool was just that, an act! Truth is Trump is a mental giant who will crush Spock. Uh, sorry Mr. Spock.  No offense intended.”

“None taken, Mr. Sulu,” says Spock with a nod.

“History shows Trump was, ‘like, wherry smart’,” adds Chekov in his thick Russian.

“‘A very stable genius!'”says Sulu, spinning from the navigation consel.

Bones goes refaced and says, “Keep your damn eyes on the screen, Sulu.! You and Chekov have been hoodwinked by 200 years of propganda and myth surrounding Trump the so-called Great. Ha!”

“And who can blame them, Doctor? History is always written by the victors,” offers Spock, playing the peacemaker.

“Bones’ son, a highly skilled timeline archeologist, has determined the so-called genius Trump the Great was in fact barley literate and a, um…” says Kirk trailing off.

“Moron?” says McCoy with grin as he catches up to Kirk and Spock heading for the ship’s elevator.

“I was going to say “fucking moron’, like his secretary of state Tillerson called him,” says Kirk.

“Sounds like you could give my son a run for the money on timeline trivia, Jim.” says McCoy as they reach the turbolift.

“Sorry, McCoy, I need you to stay on board in case anything happens to me and Spock,” says Kirk as he tugs his top off to prep for a quick costume change.

“I’m a doctor, Jim, not nursemaid to a presidential idiot. That’s why I am sending Nurse Oberon in my place,” says McCoy with a wry smile as the elevator door to the turbolift closes.

BEAM ME TO HELL, SCOTTY

Spock, McCoy and Kirk enter the teleporter room. Scotty is so busy flirting with the gorgeous Nurse Oberon, a voluptuous green skinned Orion he misses the entrance of the Captain.

“Captain on deck!” says Spock, annoyed at Scotty.

Scotty and Nurse Oberon snap to attention. “Captain, Mr. Spock, may I present Nurse Oberon. She’s fluent in 21st century American.”

“Oh, and why is that, Nurse Oberon?’ says Kirk as he takes her slender green hand and shakes it a bit too long.

“I am one quarter human. My grandmother was abducted from a Trump rally by the Orions for psychological study shortly after the completion of the wall.”

“Ah yes, the famed wall with Mexico. One of Trump’s few campaign promises he kept resulting in his reelection in 2020,” notes Spock.

“Not quite, Mr. Spock. It was Trump’s second wall project, the one with Canada in 2022 where my Grandmother was taken.”

“What precise phycological condition were the Orions seeking to understand in examining your grandmother?” says Spock.

“Granny never wavered in her faith in Trump, despite his single handily triggering Word War III, the Great Depression of 2020, and over 100,000 fact checked lies he told while in office. So the Orions sought to understand Trump’s hold on her and his core supporters,” says Nurse Oberon as she finishes applying flesh colored makeup to hide her green skin.

Spock nods stoically as he steps onto the teleporter pad beside Nurse Oberon’s and the Captain’s pads. Kirk is dressed as a Men in Black FBI agent.

Nurse Oberon can’t help but complain about her boring 21st century outfit , “Why must my outfit be so frumpy? Aren’t my assets an asset for handling Trump?”

“Aye. Blame me, lass. The mission is too important to allow distractions for the Captain,” jokes Scotty with a wink to the Captain.

Spock’s disguise as a 21st century Trump fan hilariously complete, down to his pot belly, the Vulcan examines his red Make America Great Again hat, “If we succeed, Captain. Perhaps America shall in fact be great again.”

“It’s all comes down to you, Spock. You must plant the fear within Trump’s warped mind that a war with North Korea ends in his impeachment for abuse of war powers.”

“Captain, I find it deeply disturbing that your ancestors saw fit to entrust your president, a single human, and in this case a highly unstable one, with the power to press a button and start a thermal nuclear war,” observes Spock.

Kirk shrugs flirtatiously to Nurse Oberon and says to Scotty, “Energize.”

Once the trio de-materealize Scotty pulls out a Big Mac and takes a huge bite. He rolls his eyes in ecstasy.

“Those things can kill a horse, Scotty,” says bones from the view screen.

“Aye, Doctor. But the horse will die happy!”

MIND MELD WITH A MORON

Kirk, Spock and Nurse Oberon silently materialize in a dark corner of Trump’s bedroom.

03-wolff-trump-bedroom.nocrop.w710.h2147483647.2x
Art from the “failing according to Trump” NY Times

The trios eyes go wide as Trump stuffs his face with two cheeseburgers at once. The president furiously tweets, “There is not a single true fact in the very fake FIRE AND FURY, It should be removed from every”.

Kirk whispers, “Fire –“.

Nurse Oberon stuns Trump mid tweet and he slumps to the bed, doing a face plant.

“Why did you stun Trump, Nurse Oberon?”

“You did say ‘fire’, Jim,” says Spock.

“I was commenting on the book FIRE AND FURY he’s angry about.”

“Oh,” says Nurse Oberon.

“It seems we’re cluster-fucked, Captain.”

“Fucked is sufficient, Spock. Wish he’d finished his tweet before we stunned him.” says Kirk.

“Not to worry, Captain. Trump was known to tweet erratically, sometimes not continuing a tweet for up to several hours. And of course there was the famed Covfefe tweet.”

Nurse Oberon struggles to get the president onto his back and says, “The prez weighs a ton! He needs air! Help me turn him!”

It takes all three of the away team to flip Trump onto his back. At which point he begins to choke on his cheeseburgers.

“Help him, Spock.”

“Captain, if I may be so bold. Might we our mission be better completed if we do nothing?”

“No one would doubt death by cheeseburger,” says Nurse Oberon.

“Oh, you’d be surprised, Oberon. 21st century America was rife with conspiracy theories. Too big a hole in the timeline, studies show Pence would be far worse a president. Best save him, Spock. And fast!” says Kirk, watching Trump turning blue.

Spock yanks Trump into the Heimlich maneuver. Trump coughs his cheeseburgers into Kirk’s face and gasps for air.

“McDonad’s strikes again, Captain.”

“Mind meld time, Mr. Spock.”

The door handle jangles. Kirk points to Nurse Oberon, “You’re on!”

Nurse Oberon pulls off her dress and Climbs atop Trump just as Don Jr. enters.

“Whoa!  Sorry, pops!” says Don Jr. making a quick exit.

“Now, Spock, before Melania shows up!” says Kirk.

“My computations show there is only a one in 10,056.75 percent chance of that happening, sir.”

Nurse Oberon and Kirk groan in unison, “Spock.”

“Sorry. I shall begin then. Silence please. I wish to return from this meld with all my marbles I believe is the 21st century slang for –”

“SPOCK!” shout Kirk and Nurse Oberon.

Spock places his fingers over Trumps head. “Sir!  It’s real!”

“I am sure, Spock.  His mind must be a real sivv of larceny and deceit!”

“No, sir. I’ve not melded yet. His famed fake hair. It’s real!” says Spock roughing up Trump orange hair. “Granted the orange color is not –”

“Spock, are you sure you are up for this mission?” says Nurse Oberon sweetly as she puts her dress back on.

Spock adjust his fingers over Trump’s right temple,”My mind to your –” Spock winces in pain.

“What is it Spock?!” says Kirk.

“Trump… Much… difficulty…never encountered such… an unfocused… mind… Must go deeper…” say Trump and Spock in unison.

Nurse Oberon monitors the condition of both Trump and Spock.  She reports to Kirk, “Pulse rate up by 50% already! Call off the meld.  We could lose them both.”

Spock and Trump speak as one,”Only focus seems to be… composing Tweets about Bannon the traitor… absolutely no thoughts on… matters of state.”

“Go deeper, Spock.  There must be some way to reach Trump,” says Kirk.

“Pulse rate up 77%!” reports Nurse Oberon.

Tears pour from Trump and Spock as they speak as one,”Daddy… why don’t you love me?”

“Good work, Spock. You’re in.  Now plant the fear that Trump will be ousted from power if he tries to start a war with Kim Jung -”

Spock and Trump shout in unison,”Idiot! You think I give a damn about impeachment? I never wanted this damn job!”

“Pulse rate up 150%, sir,” says Nurse Oberon to Kirk’s glare. “Well… it is.”

“President Trump, history has given you a great responsibility. Billions will die if you continue to escalate –”

“You think I give a flying fuck what happens to the world? I have my shelter all set up with all the champagne and broads a man could want! It’s the great shelter of all time. And anyone can join me down there for only $10 million a head.”

“What is $10 million going to be worth when the world is a nuclear wasteland?”

“A lot!  As the world population shrinks my market share gets bigger. I am going to go live with the Trump-acaplyse 24/7!” say Trump and Spock laughing madly in unison.

“This is hopeless. Abort the mission!  Break the mind meld.”

No reaction for Trump and Spock.

“Can’t fight him, Captain. Trump is accessing… my memory of Star Fleet history.  –Cool, lot of inventions here I can take credit for!”

Spock backhands Kirk and send him flying into a wall.

“Sorry, Kirk, can’t give you your first officer back. He’s Trump property now!”

Kirk manages to get to his feet and says, “Why aren’t you helping, Nurse Oberon?”

“What can I say I love a good three way?” Spock and Trump toss Nurse Oberon into the bed.

“Spock, I hate to… but it’s the only way.” says Kirk drawing his phaser.

But Spock is faster on the draw and Kirk is disintegrated.

“Sorry, Jim,” says Spock.

“Fuck the asshole. With the tech in your head we have a galaxy to conquer.”

“Granny, I see what you saw!” says Nurse Oberon as she pulls Trump and Spock into bed.

OUTTER RIM OF THE GALAXY

“Captain’s Log, stardate 2264.2. The Enterprise is accelerating to time travel speed on a journey to the eve of World War III. All in the hopes of altering the timeline and averting the loss of billions of human lives.”

We join Kirk in his cabin, feet propped up on his desk, dictating to the ship’s computer.

“What the outcome of such a drastic timeline shift for our own time, the 23rd Century, is anyone’s  –”

A knock on the cabin door stops Kirk’s log dictation. Annoyed, he says, “Enter.”

A troubled Spock steps through the pneumatic doorway. A fidgety Dr. McCoy right behind him.

Before McCoy can speak Kirk cuts him off, “Save it, Bones. I’ve decided to abort the Trump mind meld mission,” says Kirk walking to his portal window.

“Well, hallelujah. What on earth made you come to your senses?”

Kirk is as silent as space.

“Jim?” say Spock, forgetting rank in the confusion.

Kirk points to an asteroid to a laser inscription burned into it’s side. Spock and Bones look in wonder as they read the carved asteroid:

WARNING! ABORT TRUMP MIND MELD! LOVE, SPOCK

warning abort mind meld

The End of This Clusterfuck Timeline

 

 

 

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