The USS Enterprise glides through the stars, passing a huge asteroid. We hear the familiar voice of Captain Kirk.

“Captain’s Log, stardate 2264.2. The Enterprise is accelerating to time travel warp speed on a journey to the eve of World War III. All in the hopes of altering the timeline and averting the loss of billions of human lives.”

We join Kirk in his cabin, feet propped up on his desk, dictating to the ship’s computer.

“What the outcome of such a drastic timeline shift will be for our own time, the 23rd Century, is anyone’s  –”

A knock on the cabin door stops Kirk’s log dictation. Annoyed, he says, “Enter.”

A troubled Spock steps through the pneumatic doorway. A fidgety Dr. McCoy right behind him.

Before McCoy can speak Kirk cuts him off, “Save it, Bones. Spock and I are dead set on this mission to 21st century America and that’s all there is to it.”

“Damnit, Jim! As ship’s doctor I hereby file my formal complaint you’re ignoring grave dangers to Spock’s sanity when he melds with Trump the Mad Dictator.”

“Captain, I assure you I am quite ready for this mind meld,” Spock says.

“Spock, you’re a bigger idiot than Trump if you can’t see the man has to have a mind to perform a mind meld!”

“Gentlemen, must I call security to escort you back to your quarters?” says Kirk, hiding a smile.

“No need, Captain. The doctor is just being his normal illogical and most annoying self,” Spock says.

“Bones, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the… Trump?” say Kirk, making a lame joke no one laughs at.

McCoy throws up his hands in disgust.”Well, if you two ‘very stable geniuses’ want to roll the dice on Spock’s sanity and the very existence of Star Fleet, who I am to stop you?!”

Dr. McCoy spins on his heels and exits Kirk’s cabin in a huff.

MESSY MESS HALL

A short time later in the mess hall Kirk pulls a Mac Jr. and french fries from the food replicator and places them before Spock saying, “I present Trump’s favorite food: The Big Mac.”

“Incorrect, Captain.  If I may, what you have placed before me is in fact a Mac Jr.”

Kirk arches an eyebrow and says, “A Mac what?”

“Junior.  Indeed, Captain.  This is a smaller version of Trump’s favorite choice of sustenance – the Grand Mac.  It features a single 1/6 pound patty as opposed to the double 1/10 pound patties featured what you have mistaken as a Big Mac. The Grand Mac offers an astounding two 1/6 pound patties and was in fact believed to be Trump’s Mac of choice. ”

“Spare me the niceties of scale, Spock. Nutritional analysis.”

Spock passes his beeping his tricorder over the Mac Jr.,”Most peculiar, Captain.”

“Elaborate.”

“This Mac Jr. has nearly zero nutritional value, by 23rd century standards of course. Therefore, we can deduce this factor is a zero constant regardless of scale. Worst of all, the Mac is filled with enough grease molecular matter to clog the ship’s drainage system,” says Spock shoving the Mac Jr. away in disgust.

“Sorry.  Eat it, Spock.  If you’re going to mind meld with Trump you must eat as he does.”

“Captain, there must be some other way to alter my vibratory frequency than this, this poison! A person would have to be insane to…”

“Exactly. I swear to you, Spock. Our archeologists say this was Trump’s actual daily diet.  Hey, it could be worse.  Think what you’d be eating if I knew about the Grand Mac.”

Spock takes a nervous bite of the Mac Jr. and his eyes go wide in horror. “Is this real meat, Captain?”

“Sort of,” says Kirk as he sniffs the Big Mac.

“But I am vegetarian, sir, as all Starfleet is”

“Well…Try the French fries, Spock.”

Spock shudders, downing a fry whole without chewing. He coughs.

“You look greener than usual, Mr. Spock,” says Kirk, laughing at his own joke.

Spock cracks a rare smile and says, “Permission to vomit, sir.”

Spock projectile vomits all over Kirk.

“Permission granted?” says Kirk, his face dripping Big Mac and fries.

“Apologies, sir.  This Mac Jr. of your past is most toxic.”

“Caught me off guard with your rare smile, Spock.”

“Sorry, Captain. On Vulcan a smile often warns of eminent expulsion.”

“OK, this concludes our 21st century dietary experiment,” says Kirk as he wipes vomit from his eyes.

“It’s a wonder Trump survived the Mac assortment where he’s obsessively, ugh, consume all three plus fries and a shake. Shows me not to underestimate President Trump,” says Spock as he helps clean off Kirk.

TIMELINE CLUSTERFUCK

A short time later a cleaned up Kirk is perched in his captain’s chair. The viewing screen on the command deck beeps and boops as the ship buffets through layers of crystalline rainbows.

Kirk spins his command chair to Spock at the science station, “Glad to see you’re not smiling, Mr. Spock. Report.”

Spock, his eyes aglow from a personal view screen. says,”Undoubtedly a convergence point of timelines reaching epic proportions,”

“A clusterfuck of timelines,” says Kirk to Spock’s dazed look. “21st century slang, Mr. Spock.”

“Ah, yes, clusterfuck of timelines. Affirmative, Captain.”

Scotty bellows over the ship’s intercom, causing Kirk to almost spill his coffee, “Timeline turbulence! It be tearin’ our wee ship ta bits, Captain! I canna — ”

“Hold her together, Scotty. Blah, blah, blah,” says Kirk, bored with Scotty’s typical bellyaching.

“Meeting Trump the Mad Dictator already got you off your game, Jim?” teases Dr. McCoy.

At last the battered Enterprise exits a red-colored rip in space and glides into orbit over the USA.

“The Enterprise has successfully entered 21st century earth-space, Captain.”

“How can you be so sure, Spock?”

“Confirmation from the Twitter-verse. Trump’s virtual realm,” says Spock.

“Please be more precise, Spock.”

“Picking up news chatter on their primitive newscasts that — ”

“Correction ‘fake news’, Spock.  Speak Trumpese.”

“Duly noted, Captain. The precise time is January 11th 2018 at 11:11 PM Eastern Clusterfuck time,” says Spock.

“Ah. Three months before Trump’s preemptive nuclear strike on North Korea. Excellent work, Spock,” says Kirk. “You get a raise.”

Spock reacts in puzzlement, “A raise? To where?”

“Um, when we reach Trump you best leave the talking to me,” says Kirk with proud smirk.

“With pleasure, sir.”

Chekov pipes in, “Captain Kirk, vith all due respect, sir.  Vee Vould have much better chance of success approaching the Russian who runs Trump… Putin.”

“We’ve been over the timeline computations a thousand times, Mr. Chekov. Trump has a far more suggestive mind for melding than Putin’s.”

“On that we can agree,” says McCoy.

Sulu palms his forehead, “But, sirs. Historical records report Trump’s acting like a fool was just that, an act! Truth is Trump is a mental giant who will crush — Uh, sorry Mr. Spock.  No offense intended.”

“Clusterfuck you, Mr. Sulu,” says Spock.  Kirk rolls his eye in disgust.

“History shows Trump was, ‘like, wherry smart’,” adds Chekov in his thick Russian.

“‘A very stable genius!'”says Sulu, spinning from the navigation consel.

Bones goes refaced and says, “Keep your damn eyes on the screen, Sulu! You and Chekov have been hoodwinked by 200 years of propoganda and myth surrounding Trump the so-called Great. Ha. Great fat ass, is more like it!”

“Who can blame them, Doctor? History is always written by the clusterfucking victors,” offers Spock, proudly eying Kirk who looks down in to his coffee to avoid Spock’s eye contact.

“Bones’ son, a highly skilled timeline archeologist, has determined the so-called genius Trump the Great was in fact barley literate and a, um…” says Kirk trailing off.

“Moron?” says McCoy with grin as he catches up to Kirk and Spock heading for the ship’s turbolift.

“I was going to say “fucking moron’, like his Secretary of State Tillerson called him,” says Kirk.

“Do you not meaning clusterfucking moron, Captain.”

“You’re overdoing it with the cluster thing, Spock. Fucking is sufficient.”

“Sounds like you could give my son a run for the money on timeline trivia, Jim.” says McCoy as they reach the turbolift.

“Sorry, Bones. Need you to stay aboard in command in case anything happens to me and Spock,” says Kirk as he tugs his top off to prep for a quick costume change.

“Damnit, Jim. I’m a doctor. Not nursemaid to a presidential idiot. So I am sending Nurse Oberon in my place. She’s waiting for you in the transporter room. And, Jim, You and Trump are more alike than you know, keep it in your pants for a change,” says McCoy as the elevator door to the turbolift closes on Kirk’s annoyed face.

BEAM ME TO HELL, SCOTTY

Spock and Kirk enter the teleporter room. Scotty, so busy flirting with the gorgeous Nurse Oberon, a voluptuous green-skinned Orion, that he misses the entrance of the Captain; dressed as Men in Black FBI. Spock’s disguise is a 21st century Trump fan, hilariously complete down to his pot belly and red MAGA hat.

“Captain on deck!” says Spock, annoyed at Scotty.

Scotty and Nurse Oberon snap to attention. “Captain, Mr. Spock, may I present Nurse Oberon. She’s fluent in 21st century American.”

“And why is that, Nurse Oberon?’ says Kirk as he takes her slender green hand and shakes it a bit too long.

“I’m one quarter human. My grandmother was abducted from a Trump rally by the Orions for psychological study shortly after the completion of the wall,” says Nurse Oberon, her siren voice naturally heart-melting.

“Ah yes, the famed wall with Mexico. One of Trump’s few campaign promises he kept resulting in his reelection in 2020,” notes Spock, oblivious to Nurse Oberon’s charms.

“Not quite, Mr. Spock. It was Trump’s second wall project, the one with Canada in 2022 where my Grandmother was taken,” coos Nurse Oberbon, stunned she has no effect on the Vulcan.

“What precise phycological condition were the Orions seeking to understand in examining your grandmother?” says Spock dryly.

“Granny never wavered in her faith in Trump, despite his single handily triggering Word War III, the abolishment of the FBI, the end of a free press, the Great Depression of 2020, and over 100,000 fact checked lies he told while in office,” says Nurse Oberon.

“An impressive record of Trump’s laying waste to earth, but that still does not answer my question about why the Orions were interested in your grandmother,” says Spock challengeningly.

“You see, the Orions sought to understand Trump’s hold on my granny and thereby core Trump supporters who never wavered backing Trump even as all of America’s major cities were turned to cinders, ” coos Nurse Oberon reaching, takubg iand stroking Spock’s Vulcan ears, “Oh, I can already see have to be very sharp with you, Mr. Sexy Ears,”

“Save it, Nurse Oberon. Spock is immune to your considerable charms,” says Kirk.

“Captain, may I have a word with you in private?” says Spock.

“By all means,” says Kirk, amused Nurse Oberon has shaken up the Vulcan.

Kirk and Spock step into the hallway as Nurse Oberon finishes applying flesh colored makeup to hide her green skin and pulls a frumpy dress over her Star Fleet uniform.

“Captain, I most uncomfortable about Nurse Oberon’s selection for this away team.”

“I see that, Spock,” jokes Kirk.

“Jim, please take me seriously. Given the nurse’s ancestry she is highly susceptible to the charms of Donald J. Trump,” says Spock.

“My gut tells me she’ll do just fine. Let’s go. Trump only sleeps 4 hours a night,” says Kirk, leading a reluctant Spock back into the teleporter room.

Spock steps onto the teleporter pad beside Nurse Oberon’s and the Captain’s pads.

Nurse Oberon complains, “Why must my silly old outfit be so dreadfully dull? Aren’t my assets an asset for handling Trump?”

“Aye. Blame me, lass. The mission is too important to allow distractions for the Captain,” jokes Scotty with a wink to the Captain.

The Vulcan examines his red Make America Great Again hat, “If we succeed, Captain. Perhaps America shall in fact be great again.”

“It’s all comes down to you, Spock. You must plant the fear within Trump’s warped mind that a war with North Korea ends in his impeachment for abuse of war powers.”

“Captain, I find it deeply disturbing that your ancestors saw fit to entrust your president, a single human, and in this case a highly unstable one, with the power to press a button and start a thermal nuclear war,” observes Spock.

Kirk shrugs flirtatiously to Nurse Oberon and says to Scotty, “Energize.”

Once the trio de-materealize Scotty pulls out a Grand Mac and takes a huge bite. He rolls his eyes in ecstasy.

“Damnit, Scotty.  Those things can kill a horse,” says bones from the view screen.

“Aye, Doctor. But this horsey will die happy!”

TRUMP MIND MELD 

Kirk, Spock and Nurse Oberon silently materialize in a dark corner of Trump’s bedroom.

The trios eyes go wide watching Trump stuff his face with a Grand Mac, all at once. Still, the president furiously tweets,“Wolff’s book is just more fake…..”

Kirk whispers, “Fire –“.

Nurse Oberon stuns Trump mid tweet and he slumps to the bed, doing a face plant.

“Why did you stun Trump, Nurse Oberon?”

“You did say ‘fire’, Jim,” says Spock.

“I was commenting that the book FIRE AND FURY that he’s so angry about.”

“Oopsie,” says Nurse Oberon.

“It seems we are most cluster-fucked, Captain,” groans Spock.

“Fucked is sufficient, Spock. Wish Trump had finished his tweet before Nurse Oberon stunned him.” says Kirk.

“Not to worry, Captain. Trump was known to tweet erratically, sometimes not continuing a tweet for up to several hours. And of course there was the famed Covfefe tweet.”

Nurse Oberon struggles to get the president onto his back and says, “The prez weighs a ton! He needs air! Help me turn him!”

“239 pounds my ass!” grunts Kirk helping turn Trump.

It takes all three of the away team to flip Trump onto his back. At which point he begins to choke on his Grand Mac.

“Help him, Spock!”

“Captain, if I may be so bold. Might not our mission be better completed if we do nothing?”

“No one would doubt death by Big Mac,” says Nurse Oberon.

“Correction, Nurse Oberon.  Grand Mac. You McDonalds USA –”

“Spock. Knock off the tri-Mac story,” grunts Kirk.

“Are you two always like this on away missions?” giggles Nurse Oberon.

Trump gags, eyes rolling into his orange face.

“Nurse, you do realize you are addressing two senior officers?” says Spock testily.

“Wait! I get it!” giggles Nurse Oberon.

“The only get I want to hear is let’s get on with this mission,” grumps Kirk.

“Don’t you see it, Captain?  Spock is Gay for you!” shouts Nurse Oberon before Spock muffles her wild laugh with his free hand.

“I warned you of this Captain.  Nurse Oberon is already subconsciously working to, ahem, rescue Trump, says Spock. “I estimate if we let him go on choking Trump will expire in 60 seconds.”

“Too big a hole in the timeline to let Trump meet his maker with Mac attack,” says Kirk, watching Trump turning blue.

“Very well then, ” say Spock as he yanks Trump into the Heimlich maneuver. Trump coughs his Grand Mac into Kirk’s face and gasps for air.

“The Mac of any scale is indeed your nemesis, Captain.”

“Stop stalling. Mind meld time, Mr. Spock.”

The door handle jangles. Kirk points to Nurse Oberon, “You’re on!”

Nurse Oberon pulls off her dress and climbs naked atop Trump just as Don Jr. enters.

“Kinky, Pops!  Love the green body paint, babe!  I leave you two love birds it!” says Don Jr. making a quick exit.

“Now, Spock, before First Lady Melania shows up!” says Kirk.

“My computations show there is only a one in 10,056.75 percent chance of that happening, sir. The two divorced just a few –”

Nurse Oberon and Kirk groan in unison, “Spock.”

“Sorry. I shall begin then. Silence please. I wish to return from this meld with all my marbles I believe is the 21st century slang for –”

“SPOCK!” shout Kirk and Nurse Oberon in unison.

Spock places his fingers over Trump’s head. “Sir!  It’s real!”

“I am sure, Spock.  His mind must be a real sivv of larceny and deceit!”

“No, sir. I’ve not melded yet. His famed fake hair. It’s real!” says Spock roughing up Trump orange hair. “Granted the orange color is not –”

“Spock, are you sure you are up for this mission?” says Nurse Oberon sweetly as she puts her dress back on.

Spock adjust his fingers over Trump’s right temple,”My mind to your –” Spock winces in pain.

“What is it Spock?!” says Kirk.

“Trump… Much… difficulty…never encountered such… an unfocused… mind… Must go deeper…” say Trump and Spock in unison.

Nurse Oberon monitors the condition of both Trump and Spock.  She reports to Kirk, “Pulse rate up by 50% already! Call off the meld or we lose them both.”

Spock and Trump speak as one,”Only focus seems to be… composing Tweets about Bannon the traitor… absolutely no thoughts on… matters of state.”

“Go deeper, Spock.  There must be some way to reach Trump,” says Kirk.

“Pulse rate up 77%!” reports Nurse Oberon.

Tears pour from Trump and Spock as they speak as one,”Daddy… why don’t you love me?”

Inside the foggy mind of Trump, Spock watches as Fred Trump yanks young Donald’s nose to a stack of money. “You see this pile of cash?”

“Um , yeah,” says little Trump.

“Money is all that matters in life. Cash is king, you worthless brat!” shouts Fred Trump. Spock steps behind Fred Trump and does the Vulcan nerve pinch.  Fred Trump falls to floor and little Trump screams.

“Alien! You killed my daddy!” says little Trump.

“He’s fine, young Donald, none of this is real. See I can make myself your age,” says Spock shrinking himself to little Trump’s size.

“Wait. I can read your mind! Cool!  Your name is Spock?” says Young Trump.

“Correct. Our minds are as one, Donnie.” says Spock reassuringly.

“Spock.  Huh.  Crummy name.  I’ll call you Spocko!  My turn to play the daddy game!” says Trump growing to adult size while Spock shrinks to kid-size.

The surroundings morph into Spock’s childhood home on Vulcan. Sarek, Spock’s father passes young Spock who is weeps in a hallway, “Tears? You’re no Vulcan.”

“Hey, big shot. Stop being so mean to my pal Spocko!” says Trump and blows a hole through Sarek with a sizzling phaser beam.  Sarek falls to the floor at young Spock’s feet, a steaming mess.

Young Spock gawks at Donald Trump the hole in his dead father’s chest. A begrudging smile steals of young Spock’s face.

Meanwhile, back in the real world of Trump’s presidential bedroom:

“Pulse rate 150%!” says Nurse Oberon to Kirk’s glare. “Well… it is.”

Kirk whispers in Trump’s ear, “President Trump, history has given you a great responsibility. Billions will die if you continue to escalate –”

Trump and Spock shout in unison at Kirk, “You think I give a flying fuck what happens to the world? I have my fallout shelter all set up with all the champagne and broads a man could ever want! It’s the greatest bomb shelter of all time. And anyone can join me down there for only $10 million a head.”

“What’s $10 million going to be worth when the world’s a nuclear wasteland, Trump?” says Kirk yanking Trump to his face by his silk pajamas.

“A lot!  As the world population shrinks my market share gets even more biggly. I’m gonna live the lux life with the new Trump-acaplyse 24/7 reality show!” say Trump and Spock laughing madly in unison. “Bye bye Alec Baldwin, Stephen Colbert and all the other losers drafting off my fame!  Nuked!”

“Bones was right.. His mammoth narcissistic ego makes doomed this mission from the get-go. Abort the mind mend, Spock!” shouts Kirk directly into Spock’s pointy ear.

No reaction from Trump and Spock, except a snide chuckle from the mind melded pair.

Spock breaks a sweat as he struggles to say, “Can’t fight him, Captain. Trump is accessing… my memory of Star Fleet history.”

Trump/Spock smirks at Kirk, “Cool, lotsa of inventions in this Vulcan skull I’ll take credit for!”

Kirk shakes Spock by the shoulders and shouts in his face,”Fight him, Spock!”

Without warning Spock backhands Kirk and sends him flying into a gold gilded wall.

“Like that for fighting?  Haha! Sorry, Kirk, can’t give you your first officer back. Spocko’s Trump property now!” gloats Trump.

Kirk manages to stumble to his feet and says, “Nurse Oberon. Set Phaser to kill and execute Trump.”

Nurser Oberon obeys the captain and takes aim at Trump.

“Baby, shoot Kirk and you’re my new First Lady,” says Spock and Trump in mind meld unison.

“What can I say I love a good three way?” Nurse Oberon switches her aim to Captain Kirk.

Screaming through the pain Spock miraculously breaks the mind meld and Vulcan nerve pinches the green goddess to dream land.

“Spock, you saved the day!” grins Kirk.

Faster than one could ever imagine for such a fat bastard, Trump picks up the Nurse’s phaser and disintegrates Kirk.

“Jim!” weeps Spock.

“Fuck the smarmy asshole. With the 23rd century tech in your head we have a galaxy to conquer, Spocko!”

“Granny, I see what you saw!” shouts Nurse Oberon as she pulls Trump and Spock into bed.

“Hold on a sec you two,  Gotta grab a Viagra!” Trump paddles off the the bathroom stepping through Kirk’s dust pile.

Unable to wait for Trump, Nurse Spock’s pants down and her eyes go wide. “Mister Spock! You are most certainly not Gay!”

Spock sweeps Nurse Oberon onto his hips and she moans in ecstasy.

Out of sight in the bathroom Trump bellows, tossing tolietries through the doorway in a panic, “Damn you, Melania for hiding my Viagra again! #COCK BLOCKER!”

Spock and Oberson laugh quietly as they make love like it’s the Pon Farr!

OUTTER RIM OF THE GALAXY

“Captain’s Log, stardate 2264.2. The Enterprise is accelerating to time travel speed on a journey to the eve of World War III. All in the hopes of altering the timeline and averting the loss of billions of human lives.”

We join Kirk in his cabin, feet propped up on his desk, dictating to the ship’s computer.

“What the outcome of such a drastic timeline shift for our own time, the 23rd Century, is anyone’s  –”

A knock on the cabin door stops Kirk’s log dictation. Annoyed, he says, “Enter.”

A troubled Spock steps through the pneumatic doorway. A fidgety Dr. McCoy right behind him.

Before McCoy can speak Kirk cuts him off, “Save it, Bones. I’ve decided Spock mind meld should be with Kim Jung-Un instead of Trump,” says Kirk walking to his portal window.

“Well, hallelujah. What on earth made you come to your senses?” says McCoy with a

Kirk is as silent, gazing out the portal.

“Jim?” say Spock, forgetting rank in the confusion.

Kirk points at a massive asteroid with a laser inscription burned into it’s side. Spock and Bones gawk, reading the phaser carved asteroid’s mile high message:

WARNING! ABORT TRUMP MIND MELD! LOVE, SPOCK

End of This Clusterfuck Timeline

Update 3/6/18.: Could Kirk’ & Spock’s second mind meld mission be working?