Meanwhile One Timeline Away… in a universe not very far away… an obese President Donald Trump, very much like our own, living on a parallel Earth, very much like our own, lays intubated, deep in a Covid coma.
Steve Bannon paces the White House presidential bedroom that’s been converted into a hospital room for the unconscious lump of Trump. Running his stubby hands through his unruly mop of salt and pepper hair, Bannon stops pacing to stare in disbelief and despair at his pal Trump through the clear plastic wall the separates them.
Losing her small amount of patience Ivanka says, “Well, Will you do it, Steve?”
Bannon hesitates for long beat before answering coyly, “I need time, Ivanka. He’s in a damn coma. How am I supposed to run a campaign with him fucking unconscious?”
Jared chuckles offering, “Ever seen WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S?”
“No.” say Bannon and Ivanka in unison.
“You guys are no fun,” says Jared, sounding high as a kite on something.
“I’VE GOT IT!” shouts Bannon, frightening Robert, Trump’s Black aid, who is replenishing Trump’s IV bag. It falls to the floor and bursts on the makeshift tiles.
“Quiet. Respect for my father-in-law,” scowls Jared.
“Respect from the WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S guy? A movie where Bernie is dead and some freeloaders use Bernie’s corpse to stretch out their free ride?” says Bannon sternly.
“No fair, Steve. You said you hadn’t seen it,” says Jared sheepishly.
“I lied to save you the embarrassment in front of the President’s wife.”
“Don’t you mean daughter?” says Ivanka.
Bannon remains smugly silent.
Robert slips on the fluid spill and falls to the floor, sending a tray of instruments flying. A flying scalpel impales Trump’s forearm but the trio of plotters are so engrossed they miss Trump’s impalement.
“So what do you have, or got, Steve?” asks Ivanka.
“And please don’t say Covid,” half-jokes Jared.
“Overdoing the Zoetis again, darling?” ask Ivanka, her cheeks flush with anger.
“Knock off the jokes. My father’s, and our, political futures hang in the balance. Go ahead, Steve. We’re all ears,” says Ivanka, oozing sex appeal to get her way by pinching Bannon’s ugly cheek.
Bannon swats Ivanka’s cheek tweak away, distracted as he watches Robert bandage a blood spurt where Robert pulls out the flying scalpel. Bannon takes a long breath and grunts, “Either of you familiar with deep fake videos?”
“We sure as hell are. A porn deep fake of me fucking a donkey while Ivanka rubs her ample breasts in the donkey’s happy face has 10 million views and counting,” says Jared drowsily with a yawn.
“Ew. Disgusting.” says Ivanka, nodding rapidly in agreement.
“Well, minus the donkey and the sex all we need to do is get a great voice actor with the same build as Donald.”
“Why would people want to see a video of Donald fucking a donkey?” ask Jared incredulously.
“Silly, the donkey is the mascot for the Dems, ” says Ivanka, proud of her political acumen.
“Enough with the donkey shit. We do this legit. An impassioned speech from his sick bed! We make a deep fake video of your father coming out of his coma to rouse to the base with a red meat attack on the old fuck Biden,” offers Bannon.
“Genius! I’ll never know why Daddy fired you,” says Ivanka kissing Steve on the cheek.
“Wasn’t fired. I quit, ” brags Bannon.
“Ha. And Nancy Pelosi is really Q, ” jokes Jared.
Ivanka gives Jared a shot in the arm as she says, “Zip it. Go on, Steve.
“The Q balls love the sexual dirt. So in his deep fake speech let’s have Donald’s double accuse Biden of having a S&M affair with Kamala,” Bannon says dryly.
Ivanka hugs Bannon so hard and he get a little boner and tries to hide it with a Wall Stree Journal.
Jared jealously look on and says, “The security risks are enormous. Where can we find a Trump imitator we can trust?”
“Simple. We just use them for the deep fake and then kill them!” cheerfully offers Ivanka.
Bannon pulls out his cell phone and dials, “No. We need to keep the imposter alive long ’cause we need more than one Trump deep fake video. And I know just the man to help us. The Man!” Bannon waits a beat as his phone rings an unknown caller who finally picks up. “Vlad?”
“Steven, we speak alone?” says Putin on Bannon’s cell phone speaker.
“Uh, yeah.” says Bannon motioning for Ivanka and Jared to keep quiet. “Remember that double guy we were going to murder in Donald’s place, if Donny boy would have been impeached, then smuggle Donnie boy out into Mother Russia for amnesty?”
“Da.” says Putin warily.
24 hours later…
A naked Yuri Yakov, who could easily stunt double for Trump, slips into a hospital gown with the seal of the president printed on the chest. Yuri says to the nervous looking Bannon, “Relax, Commrade Bannon. –”
“Call me, Steve please.”
“How about Steverino?” says Yuri imitating Trump.
“When we go live?”
“Never. This shit is taped so I can add in the deep fake in later. Doing the damn edit myself.”
“Relax, bro. Can’t be too hard to make a deep fake if kids on the internet are making these damned things. Haha! I love the one where Bill Hader turns in to Tom Cruise. How ‘ bout you, comrade Steve?”
“Just, Steve! Cut the chi chat, Yuri, and study your fucking lines!”
“Comra — Ah Steve, why so tense, my brother in this deepest of deep fakes?”
“Melania’s due back tonight after cutting her month long sabbatical short. So we need to wrap this up pronto and get her bedroom back to normal in…,” Bannon pauses to read his watch and adds, “Exactly seven hours.”
Meanwhile at the grand stairway…
An exhausted Melania slumps her way up the stairway to the presidential residential quarters. She’s spotted by a shocked Ivanka and Jared, standing guard for Bannon.
“Momma! You’re home 7 hours ahead of schedule. How nice!” shouts Jared rushing down the stairs to intercept Melania.
“Jared, you have never called me Momma before. What is wrong?! Donald dead?!”
“No, no. Of course not. But he’s in no shape for visitors now.” says Ivanka nervously.
“Fine. I need a bath. Bad weather. My flight was as exhausting one of Donald’s accursed rallies or protests or whatever he’s calling them to lure these fools to the deaths. Such stupid people Trumpies.”
“Let me treat you to coffee, Melania!” says Jared yanking Melania down the stairway.”
“I don’t drink coffee.”
“Why are you keeping me from my bedroom, Jared?”
Jared panics into silence but Ivanka takes over. “Redecorating! They are redecorating your bedroom, Melania, and it won’t be done for several hours. How’s an OJ sound?”
“Fuck off the both of you! Decorating of the White House is my department!” Melania storms past Jared and Ivanka up the stairs. They shrug to each other, not knowing what to do.
Meanwhile on the set that’s been built in Melania’s First Lady bu dour…
Yuri is doing a very convincing voice imitation of Trump, “Q is saying Kamala first dines on babies before bull whipping a naked Biden –”
Bannon shouts, “Cut!”
“Ghost of Khrushchev! What was wrong with that one, Comr — Steve?” sobs Yuri.
“Be stronger. Trump may not be bright but he’s an amazing leader,” says Bannon, getting up in Yuri’s face.
“Agree with you… on the not bright part. Haha.”
“I don’t need your fucking opinion. I need a stronger Trump!”
“Before I do take 20 here, answer me a question, or no more takes.” coyly offers Yuri,
“I noticed, Steve, that you were fired on — ”
“Quit not fired.”
“OK, so you quit August 2017 and then, presto, October 2017, Q makes their first post on the web.”
Bannon sighs in frustration and says, “Totally coincidental. Now –”
“And then there are clues in your name.”
“I know how to spell my fucking name!”
“Replace the B in your name with a Q and you have QAnnon!”offers Yuri, immensely pleased with his conspiracy theory.
“QAnon is spelled with two Ns after the A, not three, Cocka.”
“There’s no need to call me a dummy in my mother tongue!”
Bannon pulls a gun and shouts at the trembling Yuri, “The script! Stronger! Action!”
Melania burst into her bedroom and Bannon spins to see who has barged in and his pistol accidentally goes off. BANG!
A rapidly spreading dot of red blood appears over Melani’s heart on her pristine white dress.
Melania softly says, “Ouch.” and then she falls to Steve’s feet.
Steve takes Melania’s pulse, “Dead as Trump’s brother Robert. Fuck me…” says Bannon, dropping the gun to the floor.
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 8 – TRUMPTOPIA
A big thanks once again to my talented wife Elizabeth England for playing all the female parts in this 2021 reading.
As always my handy disclaimer that this story is of course a work of pure fiction about an alternate universe. It is in no way a true reflection of the kind and compassionate real-life Donald J Trump, and his charming GOP enablers or the supposed good guys in this dark comedic tale.
Whoa! Alternate reality President Arnold Schwarzenegger is here and wants a word with you!
Listen up, America! My good friend Ken Sheetz is busting his flabby ass to bring you laughs and wild adventures, in a time of sorrow; to show you just how fucked up your world can be if you don’t defeat your Trump once and for all, along with all the lying losers in the GQP! Make a god damn donation, you cheap bastards, to help Ken keep bringing you more chapters and more old-style radio show audio and make sure that… I’ll be back.