Hi, my name is Ken Sheetz… and I am a Trumpaholic.
A quick Google search defines addiction as “the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.” And that addictive activity in my case is overdosing on Trump news.
I forgive myself for my strange addiction because we are all living in polarized reality where our media is getting rich as lords pitting liberal versus conservative Americans against one another. Spoon feeding both camp’s deepest and darkest fears about Trump and his followers or opponents.
Admitting your addiction to today’s weaponized media is half the cure, so I’ve complied the following handy questionnaire of Trumpaholic symptoms, from both a liberal and conservative POV. May it shine a humorous light on our new national pass time: Trump.
- Do you read Trump’s daily tweets before MSBC, CNN, Etc. can report what a horrible president Trump is? Or do so before Fox and Breitbart can report what an amazing genius super stable president Trump is? All in an endless electronic circle jerk of full employment for the makers of the news and comedy?
- Further down the Trump rabbit hole, do you tweet-troll Trump as villain on his POTUS page? Or do you take up your mighty PC as sword to do Twitter battle with the sanctimonious lyin’ Comey fans to defend Trump the hero/king? Either way, the odds favor that you are having a flame war with a Twitter bot or Russian troll farm employee whose full job it is to sow hatred between we Yanks.
- Do you follow the ups and downs of Trump’s cabinet and family like a soap opera, or better reality show, but one where the stakes are life and death for us all in hail of nuclear bombs sending us all back to the Stone Age?
- Does Trump news, bad or good, raise your blood pressure? No shame. Love or hate Trump, adrenaline has no political affiliation. Liberal or conservative the media both sell fear and fear causes adrenaline levels to rise. They know the adrenaline buzz hooks you. Trump news addiction is great for ratings.
- Do you dream or daydream of advising Trump? Maybe turning his contreversial presidency into a new Camelot to bigly surpass JFK’s?– Get real, my fellow Trump junkie. Trump listens to no one but his own bathroom mirror’s reflection.
- Are you sometimes jealous Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth? Might you stew that no matter how many times he ruins a business he just files for bankruptcy and bounces right back with that smug grin on his face some of us love or hate?
- Are you the secret sorcerer who uses Trump memorabilia to cast potent magic spells that have cursed Trump’s presidency? Hopefully you don’t live in Salem. Or are you a gung ho convert, once a Hippie, but now you proudly wear your MAGA hat, following Trump on the road like a Dead Head to his fevered rallies that started 2.75 years ahead of the normal election cycle? If so, feel free to skip the rest of this test and immediately take the Trumpaholic oath below in the comments below.
- Are you jealous you cannot hop aboard your private Presidential Boeing 747 on a whim, an army FBI agents and your more trusted private bodyguards in tow, then wing way to your Mar-A-Logo Florida palace to golf and hobnob with the super rich and world leaders? Pardon my WTF! But from both a liberal or conservative we need unite if just to put a cap on this taxpayer abuse.
- Do you secretly wish you too could whisper sweet alternate realities to your loyal voter base who happily let slide the 2,000 sweet little lies that Trump racked up his first year in office? Liberal or conservative, you gotta admit Trump makes Teflon look like a porous substance.
- Do you steal time from your job to sneak a quick rubberneck on your Mac or PC on the latest Trumpsaster, as though the fate of world depends on your knowing what he just Tweeted at 4AM from his golden toilet?
- Afterwards, as a Trump chaser, do you annoy all your friends on FB posting the latest doom and gloom story from CNN on how Trump is going to: A. Cause a nuclear war with North Korea, Russia and/or China, B. Inspire a new race of Nazi bullies to take over America and appoint Trump as lifetime Fuhrer, C. Start an American Civil War (Hmm. Most of us don’t care enough to vote and we should worry about a Civil War?), D. Name a KKK member to the Supreme Court, E. Add any number of dark scenarios that your favorite niche news source feeds you, giving you ulcers and high blood pressure. If conservative, flip A though E over.
- Have you lost a boatload of FB friends crusading either for or against Trump? With any luck, the so called friends you lost are the same idiots dragged you into the Cambridge Analytica mess.
- Does your stomach growl as you pass your local fat factory, AKA McDonald’s, secretly wishing you could stuff your face with cheese burgers and fires daily in bed watching Fox & Friends reruns of your triumphs? All washed down by a dozen diet Cokes like Trump, and the still only tip the scales at a fit 239 due to your great genes! Or are you’re a health nut, repulsed by the mountains of cholesterol he ingests that would normally kill a horse, while you gain a pound even smelling a single french fry?
- Have you’ve chuckled, or downright belly laughed, at viral videos of Trump on the tarmac, his combover flying at half mast? Or have you scorned liberals’ cruelty to dare to laugh at your hero desperately trying to look 20 years younger than his true senior self with his amazing comb over; one that keeps him busy half the day?
- Have you ever compared your hand size to Trump’s? Be honest. Or does it annoy you how low desperate liberals are to dare attack your hero for his modest hand size and conversely penis size?
- Do you want lock Hillary or Trump up? Or maybe put them both in adjoining cells?
- Do you boo or cheer when Mueller appears in the news with his endless Russia probe or raid of a Trump crony, while you wish he would just get it the hell over with already?
- Have you begun a Hail Mary of hope that a porn star might bring down Trump? Or do you agree with Trump’s mouthpiece Giuliani Stormy not half as hot as Melania and could not possibly have had the affair he had Michael Cohen pay $130K with his own money to cover up? If you are the latter please write me off the blog as I have a great deal on the Brooklyn bridge to sell you shares in.
- Are you are studying Russian just in case the rumors that Trump’s a Putin puppet are true? Or do you get outraged over “The Russia, Russia Witch hunt” persecution of Trump by our “corrupt” FBI, who are secretly SPYGATE stooges to the those sneaky scumbag Democrats Trump hired who pretend to be Republicans?
- Have you bought Comey’s new tell-all book and all the others popping up on Amazon like weeds on the Whitehouse lawn, to read or burn them?
- Are you up on the latest conspiracy theories about the Deep State looking to bump off the Trump like the sneaky bastards did to JFK?
- Does your brain hurt trying to ethically rationalize Trump’s affairs with porn stars and Playboy models while you find all the scandals vindication for how sleazy you always knew the Trumpster was? Or do you rage at your TV like a poor man’s Alex Jones at the sneaky liberals planting fake affairs #metoo left and right?
- Do you want to free Melania or worry she vanishes from time to time and secret missions for her man? Or do you realize hers and Trump’s was likely an open marriage from the get-go?
- Do you watch the bevy of comedians do a daily pile on of every Trump stumble in this marathon of shadenfreude; the German name for joy from other people’s misery? Trump’s become a cottage industry for comics. To name a few: Colbert, Noah, Maher, Fallon (late comer), Badlwin, Conan, Bee, Kimmel, and Oliver. I confess some days at the peak of my addiction I’d watch all the comics back to back. Like death by a thousand comedy cuts, they add up to days of wasted time I’ll never get back.
- Last, if you have read this far it likely means and answered yes to any question you too are a Trumpaholic. Welcome to Trumpaholics Anonymous!
Now, before you run off in huff about my calling you a Trump addict after we just electronically met, don’t blame yourself. Love or hate him, the Donald is the unquestioned all-time champ for hogging the media spotlight for liberals and conservatives alike. Trump is a Jackson Pollock-like political artist.
On any given day, Trump might toss a splash of red collusion denial across his Twitter canvas, followed by gush of Stormy blue porno scandal, a dash of sunny yellow clown-like lawyers, then finish it all off with a gloop of WITCH HUNT! orange. And before the paint has dried Trump’s onto his next Pollock-like masterpiece.
Meantime, the mass media, comic and straight, liberal and conservative alike, broadcasts everyone of Trump’s crazy “tweet paintings”, pre-packaging what we Trumpaholics should think depending on the shade of our political box they jam us into. Truth is, today’s mass media is not so much “fake news” — a Trump trademark — as hopelessly niched.
Our shark media can never stop swimming and micro-judging everything Trump says or does. Lazy reporters pretend they love or hate what Trump tweets. But if they are honest with themselves, most know journalistic integrity died decades before Trump took the political spotlight.
Remember the Bush era? That’s when media first saw after 911 that fear can fuel the 24/7 news cycle. And presto the media became compliant in the whole WMD scam to launch the Iraq War and embed journalists to bring the horrors to your living room.
After years of Orange Alerts and no sign of WMDs, the American people finally got wise to the media broadcasting Bush’s fear tactics and news ratings fell. How then, the MBA’s pondered, to generate fresh fear mongering for maximum profit? And viola, depending on whether you’re a young gun toting pickup truck driver or an old tree hugger granola eater, Trump was crafted into a demon or angel. All broadcast on a newscast perfectly tailored to scare the living shit out of you.
Too much of anything, good or bad, is unhealthy. Americans have never seen anything as ridiculous and the 24/7 media circus that ruminates over every Trump act and tweet. So I invite you to join me on this blog in cutting way back on Trump news and news in general until we are given more truth. Face it Mass media is so conflicted it will never give us break. So we have to make one ourselves
In closing, you have a lot to gain watching lots less Trump news. Join me. You will feel lifted. Buh-lieve me!
Note: Before you comment below I’d love it if you’d please write: Hello. My name is _______________ and I am a Trumpaholic. Trolls, human or robotic, will be cheerfully escorted from the blog premises.